Validation
by IlmatarT
Summary: One-off fic of Commander Cullen struggling with his feelings for the Inquisitor.


"Commander!" the call made Cullen stop and turn. "Sister Nightingale sent you this report."

Cullen took the file from the messenger and thanked him with a brief nod. The messenger, used to his duties by now, nodded in return and left. Cullen watched him go, walking through the rows of tents in the training camp just outside the walls of Skyhold. He had spent the evening training the heavy troops in shield coordination and had been on his way back to his office. Now he stopped for a moment to read through Leliana's urgent report to find out if he should swing by her tower instead going straight back to his own quarters.

"I'm telling ya, lad, you should forget about her, she ain't good for ya," he heard a burly voice give advice inside the tent he was standing next to. Cullen did not mean go eavesdrop, but the chatter of a pair of soldiers made his concentration falter.

"But I love her!" a younger voice exclaimed in reply.  
>"No you don't."<br>"I do! I can't stop thinking about her!"  
>"That's 'cause your balls are blue. Go whack one off and see if you can't think of something else for awhile," continued the manly advise, making Cullen snort and roll his eyes.<br>"You saying it's just that I want to bang her? Rubbish."  
>"Prove it. Go get yourself off and then see if you feel the same about her."<p>

Cullen folded the report in his hands and left, not having the patience to hear any more of the soldiers' conversation.

Later - much later - that night, Cullen had finally blown the candles in his office and climbed upstairs to his private room. It was still a mess, but he only came there to sleep, and there were more visible places in Skyhold to restore. He removed his cloak, then took off his snug leather gloves by pulling at each finger, and finally took off his armor. Shirtless he washed his face and teeth and finally undressed entirely before slipping into his bed.

Sleep was no where to be found. Now that the day's work was done, he was not surprised by what filled his mind next. The assertive manner she had spoken at the war table today. The way she had bent over to adjust her boots after leaving the war room - Maker's breath, what a sight... the way she had tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear after standing up, and then how she had suddenly smiled up at him when he had caught up with her. That smile. Just thinking about her smile made Cullen's heart ache.

He suddenly remembered what he had heard earlier in the training camp. He began wondering if the older soldier had been right. Maybe it was only that he was just a man, after all. It had been a very long time since... Not that he had ever really yearned for sex for it's own sake, but there was no denying he felt a certain heat.

Maybe... maybe he should let some frustration out. Maybe it could get some of his focus back. Maybe he wouldn't be so easily distracted by her anymore... Her. He sighed and closed his eyes. He could not stop thinking about her, about what it could be like. He knew it could never happen, that she certainly could not feel the same way... but still, almost unknowingly, his hands had slid lower. He held himself in his hands, knowing this was not he first time he was aroused by either her presence or by thinking of her graces. But this was, however, the first time he had admitted it to himself so freely and the first time he was actually doing something about it. With his eyes closed he thought of her, imagined her hair free for once, how it would feel against his skin, how she would plant kisses on his abdomen, what she would look like naked as he was now, how he wanted to hear her gasp his name and make her eyelashes flutter.

The images of her were rapidly getting wilder and wilder. His breathing was getting heavier as he adjusted his position on the bed. He imagined her on top of him, right there and then. How her breasts would sway, how he'd hold her hips, how she might lose control...

And that's when he did. He convulsed, his head and shoulders lifting from the bed, he groaned breathlessly, and a moment later collapsed back down on the bed. His chest was rising and falling with his rapid breathing and after a while of cathing his breath he looked down at himself. He had made a mess, but luckily only on his own stomach and not the linens. He sighed, laying there alone on his bed.

Suddenly he felt lonelier than ever before. He had given into his yearning for the Inquisitor, and it had left him feeling only emptier than before. She was so close, yet so unreachably far. He cursed himself for trying out the soldier's advice. Now it felt he had made his feelings for her only more real, as if he had validated them.

He forced himself to get up from the bed and to wash himself. It took some effort to get all of the cooled and dribbles of load off of the line of blond hairs traveling from his navel downwards.

Well, he thought returning to bed, I did prove something to myself with this experiment. I now know it's not just that I need to get laid.


End file.
